


Tea-sing You

by thejerkhunter



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Gay, M/M, Penny ships it, baz is a jerk, penny and baz are friends, simon is a barista, this is actual trash ngl I wrote it in an hour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-29 14:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15731760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejerkhunter/pseuds/thejerkhunter
Summary: If Baz Pitch was a coffee he'd be half-strength, milky and too bitter for Simon's liking. And also very, very hot.





	1. Love You A Latte

**Author's Note:**

> hi !! this is my first fic I’m publishing and I wrote it in legit half an hour <3 idk when chap 2 will come, but it will!  
> tumblr : creativitear

If people drank the coffee they best resembled, Baz knows his cup would be filled to the brim with the most bitter, dark drink imaginable. In fact, if his clothes resemble anything of him, it would result in the very same conclusion.

This coffee stereotype that baristas seemed to pin his as always ended in the same weak joke of Baz's actual drink being a complete contradiction to his physical appearance, which isn't even _funny_. His vampire-ness and borderline edgy personality rarely makes an employee connect him with the tall soy iced latte that he frequents, let alone the fact that unless it is mixed with three sachets of sweet, heavenly sugar then he might as well label it Lucifer's special roast of fucking hell.

  
This annoyance is what had initially drawn him to the smaller coffee shop a further distance away from his apartment (well, to tell the truth, what had initially drawn him to it was the small selection of coffee shops open at 3am, but it was debatably what made him continue returning.)

Despite the distance, it was well worth it and he quickly became friends with the woman behind the counter who, for once, didn't make a glaringly obvious and unfunny emo joke about his taste in coffee. Instead she had suggested a different mix of beans and handed him the cup of love, dreams and happiness for the reasonable price of $3.75. He hadn't even meant to become friends with her and, shockingly, he finds himself talking to her for reasons other than the caffeinated perfection she provides him. She is a chubby Indian girl, with an odd colour of purple hair and oversized specs to match. She too studies some sort of English lit at university which means their topic of conversation usually revolves around old pieces of literature and debating the intentions of different book characters. It was rare for Baz to find decent conversation in a city filled with imbeciles and so, unlike himself, he makes an effort to visit her on every second day.

  
This arrangement continues on for short of 6 months and Baz had grown accustomed to the 12am coffees, with a side of banter and arguing. In fact, in them months he had even met Penny's little American boyfriend who had only moved here a month before Baz's visiting. He is, oddly, exactly the kind of guy he had imagined Penny to be dating, with a slightly geeky side to him passed the stern appearance. What he hadn't grown used to, however, was desperately visiting the store on the 3rd hour of the morning, only to be faced with a boy who definitely wasn't Penny.

  
He pauses in the doorway, blinking in his sleep deprived state. The boy was the living and breathing personification of a sunshine. Even in the dimmed lights, his skin seemed to be some scheme of sunkissed, with hair the colour of golden hour. He lifts his head at the door opening and, suddenly, Baz was filled with enough adrenaline that he doubts he even needs the caffeine shot but he realises that it's a little late to turn around now. Mr Sunshine shines some sun beam of a grin at him and Baz finds his cheeks sunburnt red as it suddenly becomes a more pressing issue that he is staring shocked at the star in his silk pyjamas. Baz feels like he needs to be wearing layers of sunglasses just to be in the boys direct vision.

  
"Late night coffee, eh?"

  
"You're not Penelope." Baz states almost dumbly, hoping that the sharp edge in his voice covers the idiocy of the words. Mr Merriment looks taken aback at the harshness in Baz's tone, but the grin doesn't falter still.

  
"As similar as we look, I shockingly am not." Internally, every ounce of Baz's being is sobbing at the fact that the boy is almost _witty_. Witty and cute and still smiling at Baz with that stupid grin of joy. Externally, Baz subconsciously has a mask of pure unjustified loathing.

  
"Funny," he blanks at the boy, cursing himself for ever mean word that comes out of his mouth. "Iced latte, tall, 3 sugars, whipped cream."

  
"Do you want-?"

  
"Yes."

  
"You didn't even-!"

  
"Yes." Sunshine pauses, looking the man up and down discriminately. The sun beams from earlier has dimmed and Baz had never felt more like the darkness of the night sky surrounding him. Although, even with the frown now on his face, he still shone against the black canvas.

  
"That will be—!" He starts, but Baz had already extended a hand with the change to the penny in it. It was a joke between Penelope and him but Baz realises now, as an afterthought, that the Yellow Fellow probably just thinks he has some questionable caffeine addiction (which wouldn't be entirely wrong).

  
Sunbeam takes the change, counts it, recounts it, frowns at it, frowns at Baz and then awkwardly fumbles it into the counter. Baz watches with narrowed eyes, prompting Sunny to fumble more around the counter.

  
"You come here a lot then?" As Hot As The Sun tries with him and Baz finds at least 50 different insults come to the surface of his mind. Instead he squints further at him.

  
"Was that a pick up line?" Sunshine pauses mid action, takes a second to backtrack and then his eyes widen like saucers. Even though Baz knows the boy was merely trying to create small talk, he almost thinks the look of shock on cute guy's face was worth the comment.  Especially when he starts stumbling over his words.

  
"No, no, I mean, I'm not— well, that's kind of! There was one time— you don't need to— I'm not," Sunny attempts, his cheeks now burning scarlet. Then, a very sudden, very loud: "I'm not hitting on you!"

  
Baz gives him a once over, pushing back the voice that is insisting on being offended at the accusation. Instead he decides to help the boy in digging himself a hole, if only so the conversation with him will continue.

  
"Is it appropriate to call your customers ugly?" Sunshine's jaw drops and Baz prays to any god out there that he didn't see the way that his mouth twitches at the sides, threatening to break out into either a grin or a gay theatre song. Baz looks at him again and the latter is becoming more and more compelling.

  
"That was not what I meant! You see- I wasn't - you are definitely attrac— no! That isn't what I meant! You're....you're—!" Then something seems to set in Sunshine because he drops the metal can of what Baz assumes to be cream, and stares at him bewildered. "You're Basilton!"

  
Baz frowns. "And you're... my stalker?"

  
"No, no. Penny warned me that you would come in. Tall, dark, handsome," He looks down at that and Baz shines him a smirk. "An utter prick. Apparently she wanted to set us up at some point."

  
It clicks in Baz's mind.

  
"You're the roommate."

  
"And you're Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch!"

  
"And you're Byron!"

  
"Simon."

  
"Simon!" Baz corrects, cursing Penny for not telling him. She had been trying to set them up for months now and had always looked down on the blind date, although now he regrets it immensely. When Penny said he was attractive, she failed to mention that he was Leonardo Di Carprio (ages 20-30) attractive.

  
"You seem nice." Baz says distastefully.

  
"You don't."

  
"I'm _not_. Heaven knows why Penny thought we'd be suited." Simon frowns at him, copying Baz's narrowed eyes.

  
"Are you saying I'm not good enough for you?"

  
"I mean, I ordered my coffee about 12 minutes ago and it's not here," Simon goes to interrupt but stops when Baz raises his hand to him. "You're awkward and disorganised and you seem like a good person."

  
"Being a good person is a good thing!"

  
"Not when you're a bad one. You just look like you're trying to show off." Simon frowns at him intensely and Baz almost feels the need to apologise. _You're also really attractive and actually pretty funny and I just can't deal with emotions_.

  
"I will date the _fuck_ out of you."

  
Baz stands there, absolutely confused and almost certain he heard that wrong.

  
"What now?"

  
"You don't think I'm good enough? Too fucking bad, we're going on a date and I'm going to show you that I am far too fucking good."

  
"You swore twice in that sentence. And I don't recall agreeing to this." Not that he disagreed, but he holds that back.

  
Simon seems set on this, as though it was some sort of competition he needs to win to feel validated. Although, if that means Simon goes on a date with him, Baz isn't going to say no to that.

  
"I don't care. You're going to fall in love with me, Pitch. By the end of the date, you are going to be writing wedding vows and and proposing to me and I am going to laugh in your face."

  
"Why would I write the vows and then propose?" Baz inquires, as though the whole paragraph didn't make him want to cry. He had already written their wedding vows from the second he first spoke to Sunshiney Simon.

  
"You're the one doing it. You tell me," Baz rolls his eyes and Simon sees it as an invitation to continue their forced but also weirdly planned and agreed to date. "8pm, I'll pick you up here on Friday."

  
"You suddenly got a bit more demanding. And harsh," Baz muses and Simon looks like he's seconds away from apologising. "Bit less boring. You're paying and I like Italian."

  
Baz goes to walk away but, as an after thought, turns around again.

  
"Simon?"

  
"Yeah?"

  
"A bit faster on the coffee."


	2. Breakdown Central

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! this was kind of a trainwreck but thanks you guys for all your lovely comments and kudos <3   
> If you ever want to chat, hmu on my tumblr at : creativitear  
> Thanks again!

Baz had three days before his date and, in retrospect, he was the right amount of anxious for going on a date that barely even qualifies as a date because he only asked in order to prove a point and not in actual romantic interest.

  
And so, Penny really should have been expecting his furious arrival at 11:57 on the following night.

  
The second he sees the glimpse of purple behind the counter, he swings open the doors in the most dramatic way he can muster just for the effect of making an entrance.

  
"Thanks a lot, you turnip." He snarls, for the purpose of the dramatic atmosphere. Penny looks up from her book and raises an eyebrow.

  
"Turnip?"

  
"They're purple on top and—! That was not even remotely my point!" Penny snorts.

  
"Let me guess. This is about Simon?"

  
"Of course it is! We're going on a fucking date!" Penny stops and looks at him as though she has suddenly gained interest in the conversation. Baz had assumed that Simon, being her roommate and all, would have already updated her on the situation. Unless, of course, he just cared about it less and now Baz looks even more like an over dramatic ponce than usual (not that he would ever verbally admit to it.)

  
"A date?"

  
"Simon didn't tell you?" Penny's eyes widen suddenly in realisation.

  
"Oh. _Oh_ , that explains a lot."

  
"What is that supposed to mean?"

  
"I was at Micah's the other night because he was ill— that's why Simon took over here — but when I asked how his shift was he suddenly threw many hypothetical and existential questions at me. I was wondering what you did."

Baz isn't sure if the feeling in his stomach is good or bad in knowing that Simon does care about it, but perhaps more in a state of crisis than any other.

  
"What _I_ did?" Penny looks at him like he should know exactly what she means. He does.

  
"Well, how did you even end up asking him on a date anyways? You're usually pretty uptight about this."

  
"I'm offended that you assumed that I asked him out more than I'm offended that you called me uptight." He could practically capture the most her jaw dropped.

  
" _He_ asked _you_?"

  
Baz clutched his chest as though he is physically wounded and throws Penny a look of dramatised pain.

  
"Ouch."

  
"No, no, it's just that Simon has never asked a guy out before. He said he'd think it would be weird." Baz shrugs, pulling up a chair from one of the nearby tables. It's rare for customers to come in before or after the 1-2am peak times.

  
"I could tell," Baz begins, taking note of Penny's crouched sitting position. He holds back his lecture on how it will catch up on her in old age. "All I did was imply the numpty wasn't up to my standards and suddenly he is demanding me on a date to... make me write wedding vows?"

  
"So you're not interested in him?" Baz looks at her like she's grown another head.

  
"Do you even _know_ me? I told him he wasn't up to my standards. That's practically me proposing in itself." Penny sighs in exhaustion.

  
"You sure do know how to flirt, Baz."

  
"I got a date with the cute sunshine boy, didn't I?" Baz teases, giving her a look full of pure cheek. Although his methods of flirting or dating in general were questionable at best, they did always seem to work for him. Penny had commonly blamed it on his hideous good looks and Baz wasn't modest enough to disagree.

  
"When i said that I would hook you two up, I was uncertain about whether it would work. I know that Simon is a sucker for a challenge and you are nothing but an endless cycle of challenges."

  
"Didn't you mention he used to date the Wellbelove girl?" Penny nods in certainty.

"She isn't exactly the definition of a challenge."

  
"The key word is 'used' for a reason." Baz nods and decides not to argue that most the time past relationships can be a determination of future partners, if only for the reason that he has dated a lot of pricks and Penny wouldn't hesitate to bring them up.

  
Instead his hands scavenge into his pocket for the change he'd soon owe.

  
"You know my order." He states, leaning back against the chair in an element of comfort. Penny takes the money and, at that exact same, looks at baz in expectation.  She soon finds what she is looking for in his mask and laughs quietly to herself. She knew that Simon was Baz's exact type on paper, although she wasn't expecting him to be oozing anxiety like he is seconds away from cancelling entirely and moving countries. While beginning the latte, she speaks up.

  
"You really like him, don't you?" Baz replies quickly.

  
"I don't know him," She gives him a look that somehow expresses a point of 'that answer is a cop out and you know it'. He speaks softly when he begins. "He is the sun."

  
"Go on."

  
"He has an element about him, y'know? He is an absolute mess and a dimwit but he is fundamental. He is warmth and bright and almost impossible to hate," baz pauses for a second, attempting anything but to ramble. "I have only met him once and yet I feel as though the moon. All his brightness reflects onto me."

  
She can't help but to frown.

  
"Oh, Baz."

  
And, this time, he knows.

  
—

  
**Penny POV**

  
When Penny had asked Simon to cover her shift, a part of her had wondered whether Baz would come in that day and whether her roommate would even separate him from the other endless customers. Although, that same part knew of Baz's lasting impression and Simon's ability to get flustered and hotheaded, so she really shouldn't have doubted it so much.

  
When Baz had flaunted himself into the shop, it didn't take her long to put together that he is going to be mentioning her roommate, but she hadn't expected for it to be as a result of romance and not for the obvious frustration . And she definitely didn't expect it to be because of a prospect of a date.

  
Penny should be offended, but she isn't too shocked that Simon hadn't come to her to talk about it (although she knew he would eventually). He had always been more closed off with relationship prospects apart from Aggie and he is still coming to terms with the fact that he isn't completely straight. She sometimes doubts whether he will ever fully understand it himself.

When she finds him, he is against a wall, his knees tucked into his stomach and his eyes sewn open wide. His line of vision is that of nothingness, blankness and total loss of control, his loss of awareness wearing an expression of vulnerability.

Penelope isn’t usually the type to force romantic details out of him, but she knows that if she leaves him be, there will be little but remorse to return to. And by the stage of stress he is in, Penny is certain he is minutes away from either having a breakdown or spilling out his heart and it’s a safe moment to steer him away from the former. She fights the urge to fall behind him and shake him until he spills out every drip of his mind, and instead vouches for a sharp clearing of her voice.

Simon jumps up at that and, almost suddenly, she feels too cowardly to outright ask it in fear of the aforementioned breakdown being more than just mentioned. Instead, she attempts a safer route.

"Baz?"

She doesn't feel the need to say much else and Simon's head shoots up, sporting a full face of confusion. Penny now realised that the face wasn’t going to change emotions until him and Baz are gallivanting around the town like a couple of pining dimwits.

"You know?"

"Of course. Wanna talk about it?"

In 7 years of friendship, Penny had soon understood that there is no need to beat around any bushes with Simon. It's either you're upfront and honest or your replies are just as well thrown to dust. She adds that to the list of reasons why she believes Baz and Simon Are Suited.

He tilts his head to lock eyes and she notices that he looks relieved that she was the one to ask. His secrets consume him from the inside out if he doesn't spill it immediately. He often compares it to the dripping of wax scorching his hand in his mind. At least third degree.

  
"I asked him on a date," he begins, slower than usual. He doesn't sound cautious like Penny had expected, but more-so like he is dealing a deck of cards. "He is a dick and confusing and so... together. Not to mention the fact that he is drop dead gorgeous.

A pause.

  
"He is like a cigarette." Simon continues, prompting an eyebrow raise from Penelope.

  
"Don't you hate smoking?"

  
"Yes. _Yes_ , exactly. He is like a cigarette. I know he can't be good for me, I know he could destroy me or light my house on fire or... something. But he has such a quality of risk and adrenaline that you can't help but want his validation."

  
"Do you often seek a cigarette's validation?" Simon sighs at her, looking up to the expected smirk.

  
"Maybe that metaphor wasn't perfect but... does it make sense? He is an absolute twat and I've only met him once, but all I can think about is exploring his—"

  
"That's quite enough." Penny cuts him short, prompting Simon to shoot her a look of frustration. Although the smile on his face leaves him unbalanced.

  
"I was going to say mind and you know it, you absolute bellend," Simon looks more himself, Penny notes. "I just want.... I just want to take him on a date."

  
Penny smiles.

  
"Yeah?"

  
"Yeah."

  
"You know that's okay?"

  
"Yeah."

  
"And you know that you can always talk to me about it?"

  
"Yeah." Both parties nod. Penny takes a step closer.

  
"You want a scone?" She offers, lifting up a box of leftovers from the cafe. Simon attempts to balance himself on top of the couch to see them and, when he does, a grin is returned to his face.

  
" _Yeah_."

  
They share a look of only raw friendship.


End file.
